is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize