I wish I could teleport
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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