so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
