is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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