Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
