we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize