We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
