Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
