I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He had one of those small greek statue penises
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
