The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
