Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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