If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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