Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
