I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
