Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
