Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
