Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
