threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
