i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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