this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
