I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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