I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
