battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize