my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
