so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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