I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
