Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize