Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
