I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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