he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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