I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
