who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
