Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize