it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
