I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize