I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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