My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
