I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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