i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
