I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
