Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
