Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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