That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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