she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
