I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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