I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
