I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
