I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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