i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
