shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
