apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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