About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
