I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
