I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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