No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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