I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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