you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
