do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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