very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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