I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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