Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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