3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
whose parrot is this?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
