either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
